This is most illogical
by GeekOfAwesome
Summary: I got this idea from someone else, but made it into Star Trek :D Basically, three epic members of the Enterprise crew discover Fanfiction and read some stories aloud. Embarrassment and epicosity ensue. Rated T for some story content!
1. Chapter 1

**Yes, I know, it's a great idea to start a story when I have one going already, but still. I felt like it. This idea came from someone who I do not remember who wrote something like this for Percy Jackson and the Olympians. :) It was hilarious and I thought it might be funny to do the same with Star Trek. Enjoy!**

* * *

Kirk walked down the hall, his eyebrows furrowed. Bones had called him to the conference room on urgent business, and it really worried him. Yes, Bones complained a LOT, but he probably wouldn't summon the captain under false pretenses. He walked through the automatic doors to where Bones was sitting next to a computer.

"Jim, this is so weird. I found this website..." He began. "Really? You called me here because of the _Internet_?" Kirk asked. Bones shrugged. "Alright." The Captain decided and sat down next to the doctor. "Oh, also, I called down Spock. He needs to see this!"

* * *

When the three were together, Bones showed them a site called "Fanfiction"

"See, here, people know about the Enterprise and the crew and everything, and they write stories that are based on our adventures. Creepy, right?" He explained.

"Woah. Try searching... 'Kirk'," Jim suggested. Spock remained stoic, analyzing everything Bones was doing.

"Those are a lot of results, man. I'll try to narrow them down... English language, Star Trek... Jim, try picking a genre."

"Well, the most popular is 'romance'... awkward, but try it."

"Okay. What about a rating? Kind of like R or PG-13, I guess."

"I'm scared, but let's go with T, which I'm guessing stands for Teen."

"Most likely, captain." Spock agreed, studying each summary.

"What's slash? And drabble?" Kirk asked

"What is 'Spirk'," Spock asked. "It sounds like a combo of our names."

"Ssh, I found a good story."

"What's the summary?"

"I'm not telling. It's too weird. Just let me start, dammit." Bones said.

Spock leaned forward curiously as Bones began reading in a clear voice...

_"It took several moments for Jim's brain to catch up. What he was seeing just didn't seem possible. But it had to have been. Because he was seeing it. The proof was right there. Unless this was some drug induced hallucination. Okay, maybe not necessarily drug induced. Either way, this image before him was rather nice. If the restrictive feeling in his pants was any indication."_

_"Captain?"_

"Restrictive feeling?" Spock inquired, blushing a light green.

"Please, please, be a hot girl." Kirk joked, leaning back.

_"Jim's eyes immediately flicked up, meeting Spock's. The Vulcan had a brow quirked. Jim opened his mouth to respond; nothing came out. He cleared his throat and tried again."_

"WHAT?!" Kirk said, hysterical. Spock turned totally green and Bones doubled over in laughter.

_"_

_"Spock…what are you doing?"_

_"I have been waiting for you to return to your quarters."_

_Jim was silent for a moment. "Why?"_

_"Because anywhere else would be illogical."_

_"No, what I mean is…why are you wearing leather pants?"_

_"Ah. I was under the impression you would appreciate it. Have I come to the incorrect conclusion?"_

Bones read between bursts of laughter, with Kirk and Spock blushing immensely. "Leather pants!" Bones managed to say after another fit of laughter.

_"Jim was quiet again as he looked Spock over. Really the only thing different were the pants. The black undershirt and boots were the same. It was just Spock was wearing tight ass leather pants._

_Jim grinned. "No, I like it very much," he said, wonderful ideas coming to mind.. Said thoughts increased in rating as Spock closed the distance between them, a smirk tugging at his lips._

_"Good." And then he just kept on walking past his captain, not even looking back._

_Jim blinked and, realizing what had just happened, growled and turned, hanging out of the doorway to glare at Spock's retreating back. "Cock tease!" He eeped, hearing Spock's low laugh."_

There was a moment of silence afterwards. Bones laughed again. "Wow... umm..." Kirk said awkwardly. "I do not believe you will ever see me the same way after this, Captain." Spock said, still blushing.

"Alright, Bones, shut up. My turn."

Kirk took the computer, typing several things into the search bar.

He grinned and started reading.

_"So Bones, how long has it been? Three, four, years since your divorce?" he asked point blank and Bones sighed heavily like he was just reminded of what he had run from so long ago._

_"Five." He replied shortly and downed another shot._

_"So, anyone interesting to you?" he asked and Bones studied him closely for a moment before shaking his head._

_"Nah." He replied blandly and Jim rose an eyebrow._

_"Cause come on, its been a long time now and it must be getting lonely for you? we've been in space for what, two years now." Jim replied drinking his drink feigning nonchalance._

_Bones grunted noncommittally and since he hadn't outright denied it Kirk knew he had touched a soft spot._

_"What's your type bones? Gingers? You like a good thick accent?" Jim asked and Bones glared back at him and his teasing face._

_"What are you getting at?" he asked deeply and Jim grinned._

The real Jim grinned as well as he read the next line.

_"Mr. Scott, he looked nice today didn't he?" Jim asked and sipped his drink._

_Bones glared at him and momentarily thought he was being teased for his newfound sexuality, a long time in space can change a man._

__"Newfound sexuality? Interesting..." Jim laughed. Even Spock upturned the sides of his mouth a bit. Bones scowled.

_"Bones. I'm simply interested in your happiness. You should ask him out!" he replied and Bones scoffed and downed another shot of whisky, he hissed as it rolled down his throat and he shook his head._

_"Even if I did like him, which I don't, it doesn't mean he'll say yes." He replied and stood up. "I'm going to bed." he added and left before Jim could reply. He sighed loudly and decided maybe it was time to take things into his own hands._

Spock coughed, trying to hide a grin.

"_It took quite a bit of convincing but Jim finally got Bones to agree to the blind date, he wasn't sure if it was the fact he had nagged him enough to accomplish his goals or if it had something to do with Bones' secret desires to not be alone anymore._

_Jim helped him pick out an outfit since he was going to go wearing his uniform and Jim thought that simply wasn't acceptable._

_After picking out a suit and Bones rambling on about how he's not sure how Kirk gets him into these shenanigans they arrived at the mess hall ten minutes late, Jim pushing Bones down the hallway with both hands against his back._

_"Stop resisting, he's going to see you and get his feelings hurt." Jim scolded and Bones finally quit and started acting like an adult for the first time since his shift ended._

_"So it is a him." He replied and straightened his charcoal grey suit jacket, still feeling way overdressed._

_"He's at table seven, go ahead in I'll be in the back alright." Jim said as the doors swished open._

_"I'm not a baby ya know?" he said back harshly and made his way inside, he scanned the room for his date at table seven and could barely see through the other occupants._

_Bones made his way to the back and his breath hitched when he saw him, Scotty sitting by himself, he left his little alien buddy in engineering thank goodness and he was wearing a yellow button up shirt with a jacket._

_Bones sighed relieved he was glad he had a jacket on so he didn't feel ridiculously overdressed._

_Bones approached the table and just registered he was feeling a little nervous, it had been a long time._

_Scotty looked up at him..._

At this moment, Bones yanked away the computer. "Alright, alright, Leather Pants, you can stop now. All I'm saying is that this is kinda scary."

**More stories and such later, maybe tomorrow! SCHOOL IS F*ING OUT, and I have nothing to do. Review fairly :) Also, flames will be used to roast marshmallows.**


	2. Drabble and AU

**Hai! I love you guys, so I decided to bring this back. I am really surprised at how many reviews I got :) Also, I was going to let someone else adopt it, but I changed my mind so I hope you aren't too mad, mythogeek!**

**Anyways, enjoy!**

* * *

Kirk was perplexed. Here he was, in his captain's chair, with Spock at navigation, while that creepyish site fanfiction was still yet to be explored. Finally, he was off the bridge and down to the medbay to meet up with Bones.

"Jim, I found a seriously weird story that I'd prefer to read without Spock around."

"Umm, okay?"

"I found it in a collection of drabbles, which are really short stories."

"Have you been researching this, Bones?"

"Maybe..."

_""5, 4, 3, 2, 1! Happy New Year!" People shouted in unison all around him, popping poppers, blowing noise makers and some had synthetic sparklers made to look like the real thing. All around him, people were locked at the lips while others sang Auld Lang Syne*. To his left, the girls were taking turns giving Jim long steamy kisses. None of them looked as if they were going to let up any time soon"_

"And that's the truth," Jim said proudly

_"McCoy turned to his right and half expected for someone not to be there. He was very surprised, no stunned to see Professor Spock of all people standing next to him._

_McCoy turned to face him and looked at Spock somewhat confused. "I assume you know what happens now don't you?" He asked._

_"I am aware." Spock said and nodded. McCoy looked around at the various couples engaged in intimate kisses."_

"Alright, I've heard enough of these to know what's going to happen next, Lover Boy." The captain said.

_"And you're okay with that?" He questioned Spock once more._

_"I am." Spock replied._

_McCoy stood still, unsure on what to do. He harbored a silent crush on his Professor since he first arrived at the Academy. All their interactions were brief at best if they even happened at all. This would be the only time, the only excuse he'd get to kiss Spock and the hell if he was going to freak out now. He was going to make this kiss count. McCoy steadied himself and took a mental deep breath. After that, he placed his hands on both sides of Spock's face and pulled him in."_

"Spare me the details. We both seem to like Vulcans, and are homos in these stories. Are there any non-homoerotic stories?"

"Not really. Except ones with OC's."

"I worry that you know so much about this website. What are OC's?"

"Original Characters, made up by the author."

"Right. Whatever, so does 'professor Spock' vulcan nerve pinch you or something?"

_"McCoy gave the Professor the most passionate kiss he could muster. McCoy didn't care who was around them or possibly watching. This wasn't about anyone else. If anyone said anything, they could have simply said it was just a New Year's kiss. If anyone said anything about the level of intimacy, one could say Spock thought that kind of kiss was the custom considering that was what all the others were engaged doing._

_He heard Spock moan into the kiss and felt Spock's hands on his lower back pull him even closer. Spock matched the intensity of McCoy's kiss blow for blow. McCoy felt himself become dizzy due to the combo of lack of air and blood rushing to a certain lower extremity. He placed a hand on Spock's chest and pushed him away to catch his breath. Spock with mussed hair, wide dilated eyes and swollen lips stared back at him. McCoy's appearance mirrored the Professors and they both were lost for words."_

"Ugh. The people who write this stuff! Do they even think about our feelings? No! I can't look at Spock without imagining him in leather pants anymore." Kirk fake-shuddered.

"I want to find one without the hobgoblin." McCoy replied. "He's EVERYWHERE."

Kirk took the computer right as Spock walked in. "I assume you are still observing that website?"

"Yeah 'professor', you missed a good one." Kirk grinned.

"I do not believe I want to know it, thank you."

"Ooh, here's one without Spock"

_"It was already late morning when Leonard woke up._

_Dammit._

_He had gone out drinking with Jim last night. The kid had pulled his famous puppy-dog eyes after the awkward silence that filled their dorm room while he was reading. They drank and Jim kept conversation to a minimum, which should have been unusual enough for him to notice something was up. Aaaand~ now he's bound to his bed, spread out and naked._

_Goddammit"_

"I AM NOT letting you finish that." Bones said, yanking away the computer. "I find it worrisome that you always pick out the sexual fanfictions." Spock said. "Fine, here's a normal one. It does say 'crack' in the description, but I'm not worried." Kirk said, and began reading.

_"The lights of the transporter fade and where three men are meant to be standing, there are instead three very beautiful women."_

"This is fascinating already."

_"I have boobs, Bones! Look! I have nice bouncy boobs!"_

_Kirk says this while looking down at his chest, both hands holding said breasts and jumping up and down, watching them jiggle."_

"That does sound like me," Kirk laughed.

_"The captain, who is so enraptured with his new anatomy, now has golden blond hair cut into a bob, an ample bosom, slim waist and shapely hips. He is now half an inch shorter then he was as a man._

_"We all have them you moron! Somehow this stupid transporter messed with our molecules so bad that we are now goddamn girls."_

_Leonard McCoy now has wavy brown hair that reaches just past his shoulders, and while not as blessed in the chest department as Kirk, he more than makes up for it with his hips and legs."_

"Is it wrong that I am turned on by this?" Kirk asked. "Most likely, captain." Spock replied, raising an eyebrow.

"_Kirk stops jumping to glare at the now female doctor._

_"I'm no girl... I'm a lady."_

_To back up this statement Jim begins jumping again, so that everyone can see his breasts bouncing under his hands._

_McCoy scowls at Kirk (the power of the scowl somewhat lost when on the face of a pretty woman), steps over to his and places both hands on the captain's shoulders holding the jumping woman down."_

"Where's Spock? I want to see him as a lady!"

_"For fuck's sake! Stop jumping up and down. You ain't wearin' a bra! You'll end up hurting yourself."_

_The sound of a throat clearing turns the attention of both women to Spock, now with long black hair reaching nearly to his backside and a figure that is slim compared to the other two, but not without curves._

_"I believe it would be logical for us to head to Sickbay and confirm that we are all still in good health. Mr Scott should also accompany us so that we may formulate a plan to return ourselves to our natural state."_

"Goddamn it, you're just as boring in this story as in real life!" Kirk complained. "I'd be offended if I didn't realize you were trying not to imagine having breasts, captain."

_"All three woman turn to the only male in the room, who is standing behind the transporter control panel and trying to suppress an amused smile... unsuccessfully._

_"Jus' when I think things around here are becoming boring, something like this happens that makes me realise that I really do love this ship."_

_At the impatient look Mr Spock is giving him, Scotty continues quickly,_

_"I'm nae gonna mind walking with you lovely ladies to Sickbay if that's where we need to go."_

_Scotty walks up to the three women and holds out his arm in invitation._

_McCoy huffs indignantly and stomps out of the room, but the impact is lost because he has to continually pull up his pants so they don't fall down._

_Spock lifts an eyebrow at Scotty, raises his tunic slightly so he can tighten his belt, then exits, heading in the same direction as the doctor._

_After tightening his own belt, Kirk steps down from the platform and winds his arm through his chief engineer's. Jim smiles up at the man._

_"Some women just don't appreciate gentlemanly behaviour."_

_Kirk winks at the engineer who blushes beet red._

_"Just don't try to cop a feel or it'll be real awkward when I become a man again."_

_Scotty chuckles and begins leading the captain out of the transporter room._

_"Don't worry Captain. I know how to treat a lady."_

"Wow. You said 'crack' was in the description? I think I get it. It's because this was made by someone who was seriously stoned!"

_"Arriving in sick bay Kirk and Scotty find the newly female first officer sitting on a biobed analysing his feminine hands, while a fired up McCoy runs his tricorder over the Vulcan._

_Jim unhooks his arm from Mr Scott's and moves over to the biobed, where he plops himself down next to Spock. Kirk starts swinging his legs, bumping his heels against the frame of the bed, knowing it is pissing McCoy off._

_"I think I like Jaime. As a name, I mean. I can be Captain Jaime T. Kirk. It's badass and cute at the same time."_

_Spock turns to his captain as McCoy finishes with the Vulcan and moves on to Jim, mumbling about "stupid machines" and "idiotic captains"._

_"Our condition will surely not last long enough for us to have to legally change our names. You are behaving illogically."_

_"Well, I am a woman now. That automatically means I can get away with being irrational and illogical."_

_Spock lifts a, now even more defined, brow at his captain._

_"As your species says 'What was your excuse before?'_

"As your species says, burn!" Spock said. "I am so fucking done with this site." Kirk replied.

"I think I'd be called Leonarda."

"Well, that's creative. I'm pretty sure that 'bones' could be a provocative nickname."

"Only you would think that."

"What about you, Spock. What girl name would you have?"

"This question is pointless as I am not a girl."

"Ah, ah, ah, just answer the question!"

"I cannot think of one at the moment."

"Here, let me look it up... girl names... starting with sp... I got it!"

"What?" Spock asked.

"Sparkle!" McCoy laughed again.

"I believe the internet makes you hysterical."

"Yep!"

**That's all for now. Sorry for there being only a few stories. I hope I made up for it in commentary. Anyways, don't worry, be awesome and have an epic summer!**


	3. Chulu, Spuhura, and Spahn, oh my!

**Yay! Another chapter!**

**Also, I got called abysmally immature in a review on one of my other stories and I feel kind of sad, but then I realized: MY FIRST FLAME! I will use this one to make some s'mores :)**

**Anyways, enjoy.**

* * *

"This site is addictive!" Bones complained, three days later when they were meeting, once more, in the conference room.

"Look, I think we should be worried about how they know all about us. I mean... I'm so like ME in these stories!" Kirk added.

"Yes, the gender-swap story proved that." Spock commented. Bones snickered.

"Oh shut up. I mean, look at this story! It's based directly on the whole Khan deal." Kirk said.

"Wait, wait. Considering the amount of porn there is on this site, we should probably read the summary," Bones insisted.

_"Spock's dislike for Khan isn't just because of what the super human did to Starfleet Command. No, he dislikes Khan because, unfortunately, they are a lot alike in strength, knowledge, and in their mutual attraction to Jim. Slash. Khan/Kirk. Implied Spock/Kirk"_

"I would prefer to not read this story, based on that summary." Spock said. "Yeah, I'm with the Vulcan on that one," Kirk added. "I think reading the summary is just as hilarious as reading the story!" Bones laughed.

"What about this one?" Kirk read

_"Kirk was bound to him forever through the bond of blood they now shared. Whether anyone else liked it or not, Khan didn't care. The others meant nothing to him. They were mere ants to him. Kirk, however, was not. He was Khan's now. Slash. Khan/Kirk"_

"WTF is up with the slash between Khan and I? That psycho inadvertently killed me!" Kirk complained. (This is Into Darkness universe, not Wrath of Khan).

"This says 'Spahn'." Spock said. "I must admit to being intrigued."

"I bet you twenty bucks there's a lemon." McCoy said to Kirk. "What's a lemon?" Kirk asked. "Am I the only one who actually looked up the definitions of drabble and OC and crap? God. Look, I'll tell you if there is one, and you'll know what I mean."

_"Khan had been sitting in containment for nearly three hours now. The room beyond was empty and not even the lingering rage of Captain Kirk could stem the boredom. _If only_, he thought with a malicious grin, _I had something to entertain myself with.

_His mind quickly filtered through the crew of the Enterprise._

That Uhura looks like she would be a fun distraction, but she would come to me willingly. More challenging, the doctor Bones, he seems like he would put up a fight_._

_Khan stretched, feeling his joints crack and pop. _But the Captain, Oh yes he would fight me every step of the way.

_Then the face of the Vulcan came to mind._

Perfect_. Khan felt a stirring, deep within him._

"Oh, naturally. Why is it that everyone in these stories is willing at the drop of a hat to strip down and fuck the night away?" Bones complained. "Wow, for someone who's spent every waking moment on this site those are pretty strong feelings." Kirk noted. "I believe he is feeling jealousy that he is not in most of these stories." Spock said.

"Fuck you too, hobgoblin."

_"What better fun than the emotionless Vulcan, spread wide, begging for it. He laughed quietly, Spock… oh he would be glorious! He would fight at first, but I would wear him down, break him, fuck him, till all he could think about, was me._

_-I can see him from where I am hiding. It's late and he is alone. He is checking one of the system computers for the shield and is not paying any attention to anything else._

_I move fast, he is pinned against the machine before he has a chance to yell out._

_ The breath goes out of him in a short rush; he struggles for a moment in vain. But I have the advantage and immediately put him in a head lock. As the Vulcan struggles for air I use the distraction to drag him back to where I previously secluded myself._

_With his hands pinned to the wall and my body flush against his own, Spock had no way of fighting me off._

_He is breathing hard and I have barely begun._

_I am pressed so close against him that I can feel his breath on my cheek, so close that with no effort at all I simply turn my face and kiss him. The Vulcan freezes then begins to struggle harder, to which I reply with a sharp bite to his lower lip. He makes a strange hissing noise and falls still._

_"Now, now Mr Spock," I whisper, trailing my lips across his skin, "You wouldn't want to call out, you might get someone hurt." I bite down hard on his neck and he groans. Interesting. "Do you like pain? Hmm? Do you want me to mark you?" I lick his ear. "Do you want me to touch you?"_

_I kiss him again, all teeth and tongue. And with a low moan he kisses me back."_

"I am speechless. Seriously. Is this a fantasy within a fantasy?"

"Fantasiception"

_"It moves quickly from there, I use the knife I had to cut off his shirt and then shove it in the wall directly next to his head. Eyes wide and panting, the Vulcan stares at me as I trail my hands down his chest._

_"I'm not going to stop. No matter what you say." I slip my hands into his pants, watching his reactions as I touch his half hard cock._

_I pull my hands out and push him face down on the floor. I yank down his pants as far as I can..._

"ALRIIIGHTY THEN let's stop there. This is only rated T and we don't want M material in it." Kirk said. "What do you mean 'this' is only rated T?" Bones asked. "That is illogical, captain. You are speaking as though we are in a fanfiction." Spock replies. "What if we are?" Kirk asks.

"That's insane. If we were, we'd be feeling each other up or something. That gender swap story even ended in sex! Seriously..." Bones complained.

"Whatever. Why don't we read something that doesn't have one of US in it?"

"Fine. How about Sulu and Checkov?"

"Must they both be males?"

"_It finally happened on one of their days off, when Chekov was in his quarters. He was hanging prints of St. Petersburg on the wall with the aid of a transparent-aluminum step that was left over from a staircase in engineering which he'd helped assemble, and which he was using as a makeshift stepstool. He didn't hear Sulu come in, or walk up behind him, till he felt two hands rest lightly on his arms."__  
_

"I swear to god, is no one ever on the bridge?! It's like the ship runs itself."

_"__When he turned around, Sulu was smiling. His eyes were level with Chekov's - they were the exact same height this way. Somehow that was what that stuck out most in Chekov's mind, even after Sulu leaned in, right up to when Sulu pressed a kiss to his mouth and he couldn't think of anything at all._

"I am unsure as to whether or not kissing is actually as..." Spock paused, trying to think of a word, "for lack of a better word, mind blowing as it is in these stories."

"Well, I am the expert on this sort of thing and I say no," Kirk decided with crossed arms.

"Right. You're an expert on passion?" McCoy asked. Kirk pouted. "Whatever. I want to see if Uhura is in any."

"I do not approve of you reading most likely pornographic stories about my girlfriend." Spock said. "Oh, come on! We'll only read stories with _you _and Uhura, then." Kirk decided.

_"_

Uhura admired the recently refurbished grounds of the Medical Center as she walked around the quad. Captain James T. Kirk was in physical therapy and unable to receive visitors for another twenty minutes and with a rare warm day, she decided to enjoy the sun on an idle stroll.

It was in this relaxed frame of mind that she encountered the man himself, Jim Kirk, slowing pacing across the grass. It became clear, despite his slow speed, that he was rushing to meet her, his face aghast.

Concerned, by both his difficulty moving and his distressed expression, Uhura nodded and smiled. "Good to see you out and about."

Kirk drew within touching distance and kept staring, then he blinked and blurted out, "Seven years?"

In Catian that set of syllables might mean Kirk was in for a round of strong antivirals. But in Standard it was a spectacularly odd non-sequitor. Since Kirk had the habit of dropping phrases in random languages as a roundabout way of getting her to translate his dirty voicemails for him, Uhura had only one way to be sure. "What are you talking about?"

"You. Spock." He made a gesture that would declare war on Primus III and hail a hover car on Mars colony. "He can only do it every seven years!"

_"__Uhura admired the recently refurbished grounds of the Medical Center as she walked around the quad. Captain James T. Kirk was in physical therapy and unable to receive visitors for another twenty minutes and with a rare warm day, she decided to enjoy the sun on an idle stroll._

_It was in this relaxed frame of mind that she encountered the man himself, Jim Kirk, slowing pacing across the grass. It became clear, despite his slow speed, that he was rushing to meet her, his face aghast._

_Concerned, by both his difficulty moving and his distressed expression, Uhura nodded and smiled. "Good to see you out and about."_

_Kirk drew within touching distance and kept staring, then he blinked and blurted out, "Seven years?"_

_In Catian that set of syllables might mean Kirk was in for a round of strong antivirals. But in Standard it was a spectacularly odd non-sequitor. Since Kirk had the habit of dropping phrases in random languages as a roundabout way of getting her to translate his dirty voicemails for him, Uhura had only one way to be sure. "What are you talking about?"_

_"You. Spock." He made a gesture that would declare war on Primus III and hail a hover car on Mars colony. "He can only do it every seven years!"_

"I feel so bad for you, man." Kirk said sarcastically, patting Spock's shoulder. If looks could kill...

_"__Uhura spun around so fast that her pony tail swatted him in the face. Just a little, not enough to be assault on a superior officer, just enough to make him flinch back. "I'm not discussing this with you."_

_"So is he, what, asexual?"_

_"It's no business of your's if he is!"_

_Kirk shook his head, striding to catch up with her rapid retreat. "No, that's not it, not with what I've seen!"_

_That stopped her in her tracks. "What have you seen?"_

_"That kiss on the transporter during our first mission. He looked very interested in your anatomy, if you catch my drift."_

"See, that's what's creepy! They know everything about our lives."

_"__Uhura sneered. "I don't want to catch anything from you. And I'm not participating in this conversation."_

_"Oh god, is he impotent? He is, isn't he? I already thought you were crazy for putting up with him. Are you gunning for sainthood? Or an invite to the VSA."_

_Through gritted teeth she said, "I'm starting to regret saving your life."_

"Wow, Jim, you piss her off in real life and in fan fictions!" Bones noted. "Shut up, Leonarda." Kirk replied. "No problem, Jaimie."

_"__The Medical Center doors where only a few feet away. She stood, arms akimbo and narrowed her eyes suspiciously. "Why the sudden interest in my sex life, Captain?"_

_"Sudden? I've been interested from the first moment I saw you."_

_"And the sexual harassment continues!"_

_"Oh please, we're not on the ship and I'm on medical leave. At most, this is a grey area."_

_"You would know."_

_"Indeed." He finally looked sheepish, or perhaps just winded. "I was dying of boredom stuck in that bed. I used the comm terminal to hack Spock's records to see how badly he was injured fighting Khan. Apparently not very, but I ran across some things: pon farr, plak tow, seven years! There's some very strange stuff in his file."_

_Uhura raised both eyebrows and rolled her eyes skyward. "That's why it's confidential. As in: not for you to snoop through."_

"This is shockingly realistic. I'm scared." Kirk said.

Bones rolled his eyes. "Oh shut up."

"It might be kinda cool if fan fiction was real, you know? Like, you could make someone fall in love with you just by writing it. I want to try it."

"You have got to be kidding me!"

"No, seriously! It might be fun."

**Okay, this is something new. Basically, send me a story and I'll have Kirk 'write' it and it will be featured :D Yaaay! Also, if there is an existing story just PM me. Have an awesome day. **


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